Category Archives: Satire

The Twelve Days of Brexit

On the first day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, a country that’s once again free.

On the second day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the third day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the fourth day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the fifth day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the sixth day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, six triggered Lefties, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the seventh day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, seven packs of Rothmans, six triggered Lefties, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the eighth day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, eight Vote Leave buses, seven packs of Rothmans, six triggered Lefties, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the ninth day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, nine Question Time appearances, eight Vote Leave buses, seven packs of Rothmans, six triggered Lefties, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the tenth day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, ten Pepe memes, nine Question Time appearances, eight Vote Leave buses, seven packs of Rothmans, six triggered Lefties, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the eleventh day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, eleven fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists, ten Pepe memes, nine Question Time appearances, eight Vote Leave buses, seven packs of Rothmans, six triggered Lefties, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

On the twelfth day of Brexit Nigel gave to me, twelve sneering metropolitan elites, eleven fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists, ten Pepe memes, nine Question Time appearances, eight Vote Leave buses, seven packs of Rothmans, six triggered Lefties, five pints of ale… four furious bureaucrats, three crying journalists, two populist shocks and a country that’s once again free.

 

 

 

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A list of everybody who absolutely destroyed Donald Trump in 2016

​Donald J. Trump really has been the gift that’s kept on giving over the past 18 months. His presidential bid was literally hilarious and provided all of the highly-respected late-night liberal TV hosts a never-ending wealth of material that could be condensed – either daily or weekly –  into YouTube clips and shared across social media.

Trump’s brash, triggering style, which earned him widespread condemnation from our favourite Hollywood stars and paved the way for Hillary Clinton’s storming victory in the popular vote.

Here’s a list of everybody who absolutely destroyed Donald Trump in 2016:

The end.

Satire: Greens announce 2015 manifesto

The Green Party of England and Wales have announced their manifesto for this year’s general election on 7 May.

Leader Natalie Bennett has claimed that the Greens pledges are “fully-costed” which she hopes will alleive fears following a plethora of unconvincing recent interviews.

Let’s investigate the manifesto in more detail.

Actually, sod this. I was going to do a satire but after scanning over all 84 pages (you have to fear for the trees) it appears the party has already done it for me – with corkers such as banning rabbit cages, increasing the foreign aid budget and a 60% top rate of income tax. By the time all of this government interference is implemented it will be like having Bennett in your taxed bed with you. What a harrowing thought.

Enjoy.

https://www.greenparty.org.uk/assets/files/manifesto/Green_Party_2015_General_Election_Manifesto.pdf

Think tank calls for “Transgender PM”

A first transgender prime minister would greatly benefit Britain, according to a left-wing think tank.

The suggestion was made at the annual conference of Liberals4UK – a group who claims to draw attention to “major social issues which don’t actually exist”.

The organisation’s president, Les Smith – who would not confirm their gender – said: “We’ve had centuries of white, middle-aged men running the country, along with one women who looked like one.

“Instead of having a male or a female, who would of course prioritise their own gender’s demands, we believe that by endorsing a transgender candidate, neutrality can be achieved once and for all in Westminster.”

The idea has been slammed by realists who considered it “barmy”, while others complained about “wanting their country back” and hoped that a transgender PM “wouldn’t be an immigrant”.

A Pie in the Sky News reporter questioned Smith on the feasibility of the concept who commented: “It’s simply untrue to claim that a transgender can’t attract votes across the political spectrum.

“In 1998 Dana International stormed to victory for Israel at the Eurovision Song Contest, while bearded-lady Conchita Wurst cemented a triumph for Austria at the most recent edition of the event.

“There is no reason why this can’t translate into parliamentary elections,” said Smith.

Cornish Talks failed in their efforts to contact Labour leader Ed Miliband – an intern at the party’s office claimed he was “still trying to cover the evidence from stabbing his own brother in the back.

We did however speak to Ed Noballs, who could potentially be the country’s next chancellor. He said: “I completely agree with the claims made by Liberals4UK.

“Providing it is likely to win votes, Labour will enact a policy requiring all-transgender shortlists for prospective parliamentary candidates in constituencies scattered across the country.

“We will not however bother at our Scottish branch where it seems we are totally fucked.”

Liberals4UK also made headlines last year when they proposed that the long-standing green benches in the House of Commons should be replaced by a rainbow.

The UK’s next general election will take place next month on 7 May.

Disclaimer: For those lacking a sense of humour I can confirm that this story is a work of fiction. I cannot, however, confirm that it will not be true at a later date.

England’s World Cup Campaign: An Optimist’s Review

Judging from much of the media chatter, you could be forgiven for thinking that England have just endured yet another horror show at an ICC event. Failure to secure a victory against a Test playing nation, and bowing out of the competition before the quarter-finals have been the headline grabbers.

However, after looking at the data, it can be deduced that England’s World Cup campaign in Australia and New Zealand has actually been a rip-roaring success. Peter Moores enjoyed his most decorated World Cup as coach – admittedly it was his first, and likely only – while Eoin Morgan recaptured the ability to reach double figures with the bat.

Let’s take a look at each of England’s matches at the event, and why the Barmy Army can make the 10,000-mile trip home in high spirits.

England v Australia – England lost by 111 runs

England’s match with Australia in Melbourne formed part of the curtain-raiser for the tournament and the Three Lions wasted little time in silencing the 84,000-plus crowd. Fearsome bowling from Stuart Broad and Chris Woakes saw them take Australia’s first three wickets for a paltry 70 – a feat unmatched by any other at this year’s World Cup! If not for Aaron Finch, and Glenn Maxwell playing in a way that’s just not cricket, England would have been chasing nowhere near 343.

James Taylor’s 98 left the Poms with much to be encouraged about, and his unfair dismissal – a run-out that screamed of umpiring conspiracy – was evidence of the opposition being terrified England would chase down the further 112 needed in 8.1 overs with one wicket in hand. All in all, a solid start.

England v New Zealand – England lost by 8 wickets

Admittedly, this was hardly the most earth-shattering performance, but there was still plenty to glean from this relatively short display at the office. Winning the toss and batting proved an inspirational decision from Morgan, as England racketed to 100 in 25 overs: well on track for the par score of 250 – wait, it is still 1992 isn’t it? From thereon Tim Southee sent the innings, well, south. But 123 was a total they should have been confident of defending.

It didn’t go quite as planned, yet England could take solace from a killer spell by Chris Woakes, who snaffled two wickets in three overs, with a maiden over to boot. There is no substitute to restricting in-form batsmen when it comes to winning games, and it was Woakes again who delivered, sending Brendon McCullum’s bails flying on only his 25th delivery. Unfortunately, by then he had already tonked 77. Can’t win ’em all.

England v Scotland – England won by 119 runs

England charged to a frighteningly easy win over old foes Scotland. Moeen Ali spanked a Virender Sehwag-esque ton at the top of the order. A day which saw the doubters well and truly silenced. No further comment required.

England v Sri Lanka – England lost by 9 wickets

In a perfect batting display, a Joe Root-powered innings saw England saunter to 309 – superlative to any targets set by the trusty Windows 2000. Root’s 121 was complimented by a late cameo from Jos Buttler, and the duo’s knocks made up for an out-of-form Gary Ballance and a stodgy effort from Morgan.

If they hadn’t spent quite so much time drooling over the soon-to-be-retired Kumar Sangakkara, England perhaps would have claimed a win here, but there were far more important matters at hand. Moeen recorded the second-most economical figures for a spinner who bowled their full 10 overs against Sri Lanka at this World Cup, leaking a mere 50 – only Daniel Vettori conceded fewer. Keeping their opponents batting until the 48th over ensured Sri Lanka were at the crease for longer than in their matches with the two tournament favourites, Australia and New Zealand. A commendable day.

England v Bangladesh – England lost by 15 runs

England narrowly avoided victory against Bangladesh in a contest which typified their tournament. Limiting the Tigers to 275 from their 50 overs – 13 fewer than they managed against the Kiwis – wouldn’t have been possible without James Anderson’s glorious bowling figures of two for 45. It was a score Moores’ side would have been confident of chasing at the interval, with the newly-purchased Windows XP stating they would win providing they scored at least 114 runs from the first 23.1 overs, and lost a maximum of 2.6 wickets.

Once again, forces beyond their control prevented England from keeping their World Cup hopes alive but the Poms had much to cheer about in defeat. England’s innings of 260 was a full 260 more than Australia accumulated against the same opponents – that match was, however, a washout. Early wickets in England’s chase meant Buttler had ample time to make an impact; his 65 from 52 gave his country much to be hopeful about in the future, playing with an aggression never previously seen in his game. Far from an ebbing low, in years to come this match will be viewed as a towering crest for English cricket.

England v Afghanistan – England won by 9 wickets

England culminated their finest World Cup showing for 23 years by pummeling Afghanistan – who will never set foot in a World Cup again if the ICC have their way. Exerting their dominance, England bundled the Afghans out for 111 – their lowest score of the tournament, before biffing off the revised Duckworth/Lewis score with a full seven overs remaining, sending the travelling fans home happily with two points.

Result: England OUT – 5th in Pool A

A mathematical irregularity resulted in two wins from six not being enough to qualify for the next phase of the tournament, something the ICC will undoubtedly try to correct before the 2019 World Cup, which will be held in England and Wales.

However, there are, as usual, many positives to take from England’s curtailed campaign. Due to their early exit, the Test side now have ample time to prepare for their series against the West Indies starting on 13 April. The month lay-off may come as a disappointment, but they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Which is, yet another positive.

Premature evacuation!

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE FEATURES A PICTURE OF A 22-YEAR-OLD BLONDE WITH HER BREASTS EXPOSED.

IF YOU ARE OFFENDED –  OR ARE WORRIED YOU MAY FIND IT TITILLATING – PLEASE IGNORE IT.

IF YOU ARE OFFENDED IN SCOTLAND, APPARENTLY YOU CAN NOW INFORM THE POLICE.

After reports of a vicious, freedom-hating, feminist brigade proved not to be as threatening as once thought, The Sun has taken the opportunity to bite back with today’s edition.

Yes, you are correct in your thinking – Page 3 is back!

In what was said to have been a “mammary lapse”, The Sun addressed claims from other media outlets – along with celebrations from the Guardianistas – by plastering a winking blonde inside the front cover with the headline: “Clarifications and Corrections”.

Already, a swelling of confused authoritarians – they commonly go under the pseudonym of “feminists” – are in outrage, with many asking: “WHAT IS THIS!?”

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Thankfully for them, The Sun helpfully inserted a caption beneath the photo, informing them that the image in question is of “Nicole, 22, from Bournemouth”.

In another stroke of luck, the decision is unlikely to have an adverse effect on feminists who have not and would never buy the newspaper.

However, it is not all good news for feminists. The well-known social media antagoniser, Caroline Criado-Perez, tweeted this photo last night. Unfortunately for her, it appears this 140-character nugget is now irrelevant.

And as they say:  “It never rains but it pours.” As it is not possible to edit tweets, Ms Criado-Perez is also prevented from changing her hashtag to #notwinning.

But this is a day for celebration, so enough of the gloom. Just two weeks ago we saw legions of people coming together to protect free speech. Surely, in another tremendous day for liberty, these like-minded fellows will rejoice? Let me begin with #JeSuisPage3.

Are you really all Charlie?

The outpouring of support for freedom of speech and Charlie Hebdo after the horrific Paris attacks would be so much more heartening if it were not for the hypocrisy or naivety – perhaps both – of so many who have proclaimed.

“Je suis Charlie” is the slogan. And a very good one it is too. I am confident I can use it since I make no effort to silence opposing views, no matter how much I abhor them. But the thousands who recently signed a petition to have Katie Hopkins arrested for “offensive” Twitter musings, or those who shout down any attempts of those who express the failures of multiculturalism have no business in calling themselves Charlie.

In addition, Nigel Farage was condemned by British politicians for his comments on just that, the failures of multiculturalism. He has been accused of making “political capital” out of the attacks by the Westminster cartel. I ask, when should such matters be discussed? Since politicians have done their utmost to avoid talking about them for many years, evident from the backlashes now seen in the polls, backlashes they deem to be “protest votes”.

Rest assured, the people who want the likes of Mrs Hopkins arrested, would never have affiliated themselves with the work of Charlie Hebdo before the massacre. I doubt very much whether they fully understand it now. It is nothing more than a bandwagon to portray their apparent liberalism.  For these “liberals”, freedom of speech ends the moment they hear views they don’t like. The tolerance they preach soon morphs into something more akin to an agitated toddler in a pram. Charlie? Non.

Nor do the French government have the right to call themselves Charlie. Within 48 hours of the initial attacks, President Francois Hollande was already seeking ways to ban Marine Le Pen’s Front National – the same party Charlie Hebdo regularly mocks with their cutting humour – from joining the solidarity marches in the French capital on Sunday in a display of both incompetence, and supreme ignorance. The newfound desire to press home the importance of freedom and liberty appears not to have lasted long.

The BBC. Well they’re not Charlie either. Live on Question Time, host David Dimbleby said: “Due care and consideration must be used regarding the use of religious symbols in images which may cause offence, the Prophet Muhammad must not be represented in any shape or form”. The public broadcaster, which is supposed to act in the interests of those who fund it, have taken it upon themselves to silence free speech via the form of censorship wherever they see fit. Is this a North Korean tribute act?

The British media have also let themselves down. Immensely. Instead of plastering the most controversial Charlie Hebdo cartoons over the newspaper front pages in an act of defiance, they meekly surrendered by not doing so. This form of cowardice is a sign of defeat – the hatred and fear spewed by the extremists serves to grant them the censorship they so desire. I highly doubt any decent practicing Muslim would protest against the necessity for the media to preach their right to free speech – indeed it is the honest Muslim who also suffers when the radicalised commit these acts.

Satire, as heinous as it may come across at times, is ultimately, just satire. The ability to mock and poke fun is essential to a free society, and wavering to those who look to block it is a grave injustice. Britain to an extent has already given in – there is no magazine published on these shores comparable to Charlie Hebdo. You may be offended by what satirists say, you may not think it’s “right”, but neither of those mean it shouldn’t be allowed.

The solidarity shown by the European people for their liberty in the wake of the attacks cannot fail to instill hope. But we must all heed our own words. To everyone who has considered themselves Charlie, ask yourself if you really do believe in all true freedom of speech entails. If you do, go forth. If not, I invite you to travel to any oppressive country which shares views similar to yours. I’ll even pay your air fare. One way, of course.