Calamity Dave upsets his mistress

It has been another miserable week or so for Britain’s political elite. David Cameron’s latest attempts to rebel against his mistress, and quash the European Union’s latest demands of another £1.7bn by December 1 or else are failing spectacularly. Leader of the people’s party Ed Miliband has done everything from promoting sweatshops to almost making eye contact with a beggar. And to cap it off Mark Reckless’ “fat arse” is heading towards a return to the House of Commons after a latest poll suggested a 15% lead for UKIP in the Rochester by-election.

The knives – a plastic one in Dave’s case – are out in Brussels. Juncker and co want another £1.7bn and Dave said he ain’t paying, at least not by 1st December anyway. Quite right too, we shouldn’t be having to prop up Eurozone  disasters such as Hapless Hollande’s France, nor a Germany whose £700m rebate is almost as suspicious as Jose Manuel Barroso’s student days.

Of course, any realist knows that Cameron will be paying that bill, whether it’s on 1st December or in a painfully stretched out process. To compound matters, Supreme Leader of Euro- sorry German Chancellor Angela Merkel has called Dave’s bluff on his push for “migration reforms” saying she would rather see the UK leave the Union rather than restrict the free movement of labour. The Conservatives have been scrambling in attempt to assert the UK’s influence in the EU, stating they will continue to strive for a suitable deal for themselves. The truth is that the UK has about as much European influence as the uncle who’s had a few too many red wines at the family get-together.

The difference here however is that whilst the uncle may at least believe in his ramblings, Cameron most certainly doesn’t. A certified Europhile – do we have a pill for that yet? – he has lurched from one disaster to the next, not with the British people in mind, but in effort to quell the UKIP rise. Nigel Farage is pulling Cameron’s strings on all things Brussels and is succeeding in pushing us closer to the exit door. Dave’s desire to appeal to everyone and inevitably please no one has seen his voters as well as MPs turn against him, along with the EU becoming resolutely pissed off. They only want you for your money Dave, rest assured if they could trade you in for a younger model they probably would.  Your greatest achievement as far as the EU goes? Convincing them through your Quantitative Easing bollocks that you actually have any money at all.

Elsewhere, it’s been an omnishambles in the PR department for the Labour Party. Ed Miliband almost touched somebody whose vote I imagine he’ll be relying on in six months time. In the end, he dropped a two pence piece into the beggar’s cup whilst avoiding all eye contact. It’s alright Ed, you probably haven’t contracted Ebola.

Another 2,249 donations like that and she’ll have enough for one of these new, swanky, £45 a pop “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” t-shirts. The shirts, paraded by both Ed Miliband and later Harriet Harman in Prime Minister’s Questions were supposed to show everyone what a heartless Cameron bastard was for refusing to wear one. Unfortunately for Labour, a Daily Mail report showed us what female exploitation looked like, with revelations that these very shirts are being made in sweatshops with workers earning remarkable wages of 62 pence an hour. Back to the drawing board, then.

In UKIP land Farage and the increasingly irrelevant Frankie Boyle have been slogging it out on Twitter. After Boyle’s diverse vocabulary saw him label Farage a “cunt” the UKIP leader swiftly batted him away remarking on how it was “the funniest thing he had every heard him say”. Trying to fight back, Boyle likened UKIP to Nazis – I think that one has already been done Frankie – in a piece for the Guardian. Quite why Boyle’s bile is being given a platform now he is attacking UKIP remains a mystery.

Last but not least, the Greens, who despite apparently surging are failing to attract any media attention. Anyone would think Caroline Lucas hadn’t been on Question Time more than Farage in the past year and a bit. Still advocating windmills that don’t work, amnesty for illegal immigrants amongst other policies that wouldn’t look out of place in a Screaming Lord Sutch manifesto, they’ll be wanting your money, that you probably haven’t got, to pay for it. Perhaps they can get some shampoo whilst their at it?

Barring unforeseen circumstances the politcal jamboree descends on Rochester next, where Reckless will look to join Douglas Carswell as UKIP’s second elected MP.  Dave can hardly wait.

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